Dog Diary: Life With a Baby

We thought it would be interesting to get a glimpse into the perspective that our dog, Chance, has on life with a new baby. To that end, here is a day in Chance's life ...

4:30AM

The little hairless dog woke up again. He whines and daddy puts this weird thing in its mouth. I believe it is some sort of muting device to keep the little one quiet. I am grateful for it, but it malfunctions sometimes and the little one will continue to whine or scream. Daddy goes to the kitchen and I must follow him. Maybe he'll give me bacon.

4:45AM

There was no bacon, instead daddy prepared the backup muting device in case the small one fails.

5:00AM

The small muting device is failing again. Daddy takes the distressed hairless dog out of the topless cage and applies the bigger muting device. Peace has once more been restored. I shall go back to bed until mommy awakes.

6:45AM

Daddy wakes mommy from her slumber. The smell of that wonderful drink mommy doesn't let me have wafts through the air. She says I can't have it because it will make me hyperactive.

7:00AM

Mommy gets a cup of her drink and sits in her spot on the bed I have claimed in the living room. I'm such a good boy for sharing my bed with my mommy and daddy, if only they wouldn't kick me off of it when they decide to eat in the living room. Mommy is attaching a machine to her built-in pillows. This used to concern me but mommy doesn't seem to mind it even though it makes a funny noise.

8:00AM

Daddy applies the big muting device again as the small one.... wait! Mommy is putting on shoes, could this mean what I think it means? I get to go outside! Mommy is taking me outside! Yay!

8:30AM

The hairless dog smells delicious! I want to eat what he made but mommy and daddy keep taking the bag full of all the delicious stuff out to the big bin in the driveway when they leave. They must be hording the deliciousness for themselves. I wish they were as good at sharing as I am.

9:00AM

The hairless dog is put into a bucket. How come daddy doesn't carry me wherever I want to go? Mommy, daddy, and the hairless one go down to the subterranean cave, which means it's my nap time.

Maybe if he had more hair he wouldn't need as many blankets.

10:45AM

I am awakened by mommy moving from another bed I have graciously shared with her (it's not as big as the one in the living room but it is comfortable). I follow her as she goes to the kitchen ... I'm sure I'll get bacon this time!

11:00AM

Mommy did not give me bacon. THIS IS AN INJUSTICE! I am saddened. She is now using the big mute plug on the little hairless dog ... which confuses me because the small one was working just fine. I shall nap again and ponder this behavior.

12:00PM

Daddy leaves the cave to hunt for food for mommy and himself. I am sure to get a bite of this deliciousness. I watch as he prepares what they call "sammiches". HE DROPPED A SMALL PIECE! MINE! NOM NOM NOM!

1:00PM

Mommy leaves the small bed in the cave to wash the weird machine she attaches to her built-in pillows. I'm beginning to believe she is trying to pull all the stuffing out of them as the large muting device is attached to it and it collects what comes out of the pillows. She'd better be careful or her pillows won't have any more stuffing.

1:45PM

Mommy readies the large muting device again. Still no bacon. I believe there is no more bacon and I shall never have it again. Mommy did take me to run in the yard again, and I am grateful to be able to run and not have a leash.

2:00PM

The little one created another treat. I had hoped they would share it with me but mommy has put it in a bag to be taken to the big bin outside. Again mommy uses the large muting device on the little hairless dog ... and just in time too! The small one was starting to fail again. Perhaps they should return it and get a new one. I will nap again in the cave.

3:30PM

I have chased the cats away from the small hairless dog while mommy uses the machine again. Maybe the machine is fluffing the pillows to make them more comfortable? I believe the cats are trying to recruit the hairless dog to their side. I will not stand for their evil ways! I shall... EEK! The one they call "Spicy" tried to scratch me. I am forced to retreat.

4:00PM

Mommy has taken the hairless dog and laid him on my blanket in the cave! I'll show the hairless dog how to lay properly on the blanket. I'm very good at sharing.

5:00PM

Daddy is using the big mute button on the hairless dog. Mommy seems to be cooking something. Time to investigate.

5:10PM

Mommy is cooking bacon! I knew they had bacon! They better share with me! I have been hard at work watching the hairless dog all day!

5:45PM

Mommy and daddy have removed me from the bed in the living room as they sit to eat the bacon. I am positive they will not share with me. The hairless dog is in another small cage in the living room. This cage has no roof - similar to the one in the little hairless dog's bedroom. Maybe there is a force field over the top to keep him in his cage?

6:00PM

I GOT BACON! Time for another nap.

7:35PM

The hairless dog is yelling and the muting device is not working. Daddy starts walking with the hairless dog in his arms ... pacing the living room. I must follow.

7:40PM

I have been told to lay on the bed in the living room. I guess I was following daddy and the hairless dog too closely.

7:45PM

Daddy prepares the large mute button while mommy removes another delicious snack from the hairless one. She applies some sort of cream to the hairless dog. I believe this is to help solve the hairless problem.

8:00PM

Mommy is using the large mute button on the hairless dog again. She told me I'm a good boy. Yes I am!

9:00PM

The hairless one is put into the open roofed cage in the other bedroom. Mommy comes with me to watch as I run in the yard again. I keep trying to teach her how to run in the yard but she fails and does it on her hind legs only. Daddy has gone to bed. Maybe I will join him. The hairless dog really exhausts me.

10:00PM

Mommy is attaching the machine to her again. I can hear the noise. I investigate to make sure she is okay. While she seems fine I am certain that this machine is of no good. I will watch it closely to ensure it doesn't come after the others in the house.

11:00PM

Mommy is done with the machine and washing parts of it at the sink. I know there is no more bacon available today so I will go sleep next to daddy again.

12:00AM

Mommy has gone to bed which means I am now on duty to watch the house. It's tough being me! I think I will watch the house from right here at mommy and daddy's feet.

1:00AM

ZZZ ... Zzz ... zzz ...

Things Nobody Tells You About ...

When you are having a baby everyone will tell you about the long nights, napping when the baby naps, the love you feel towards your child.  There are several things that no one tells you about though.  Maybe it's because there is no possible way to prepare you for these events.  Maybe no one says anything so they can laugh on the inside when it happens to you.  Possibly it's because no one remembers these things as the child grows up.

The Anxiety Ridden Dog

We had known that Chance would be a wonderful dog when our new little addition arrived. It was proven when we brought Lucas home for the first time. While Rob and I were greeted ecstatically by Chance, he calmly sniffed the baby before returning to belly rubs.

Within a week Chance would lick Lucas's hairy little head and cuddle nearby the baby.  While we continue to be aware of Chance and the cats while they are near Lucas we feel a little bit better about their interactions.

There is one exception, anytime Lucas squawks or starts crying Chance starts feeling anxiety.  He doesn't know why the baby is crying or how he can make it better, so he starts pacing, watching our every move, laying nearby, or following us wherever we go with his little human.  This of course leads to Chance getting underfoot and then being told to lay down, which on some occasions he refuses to do because that means being more than two feet away from "his" baby.

We've started to invite Chance next to us when the baby is squawking or crying so that he can see that the baby is fine and being taken care of.  This seems to help somewhat.  Now when we must walk around with a fussy baby in our arms, Chance has become comfortable.

The cats are ... well cats.  They don't seem to care if Lucas cries. Spice is simply waiting for the tiny human to become mobile and big enough to give her attention and help her take over the world.  Sugs is keeping a close eye on the little servant as seen in the picture below. By the way, this type of behavior no longer happens as the cats learned quickly that being in the crib meant being assaulted with a squirt bottle.

I still laugh at fart sounds.

There is a misconception that your small infant would only make burping or farting sounds as loud as a whisper.  This illusion is quickly shattered that first time burping.  That first belch from my child had me looking at him as though he was suddenly a college student at a frat party.  Rob and I both laughed loudly at the impressive sound coming forth from our son.

As time goes on, spit up happens as well.  Of course the towel, rag, or burp cloth you use will be completely missed by projectile spit up and it will end up all over whatever shirt you are wearing.  I have succumbed to wearing only Rob's white tee shirts or old concert tees that I still own.  No one told me that feeling sexy or attractive during this wonderful time would be out of the question.  It's not like I have time to blow dry and curl my hair or even apply make up anyways.

I was even more impressed with the first fart I heard blast out of Lucas.  I laughed and immediately posted to social media how epic this fart was.  What people don't tell you is that, within a fairly short time period, you start knowing which farts are just gas and which ones have a lovely mustard colored gift accompanying it.

Four diapers in one hour.

One evening while I was trying to get Lucas to go to sleep, I heard one of his epic farts.  I waited ten minutes before changing in order to avoid being pooped on.  After changing him I went back to getting him to fall asleep.  Ten minutes later there came a rumble and juicy sound from my child's behind, I changed him immediately as he was getting closer to falling asleep.  Twenty minutes after he fell asleep on me, I was about to set him back in his crib when he let another juicy one go.  The rumble woke him from his precious slumber, so I immediately changed him.  I was certain my child was doing it on purpose at this point in an effort to troll his mother.  At this point he's now wide awake.  I looked at the clock and knew if I didn't start the process of heating a bottle he would only wake up shortly after putting him down wanting to be fed.  As I went to go pick him up from the napper on our Pack-N-Play to feed him I hear yet another rumble.

He finally fell asleep after his feeding.  He slept decently that night, allowing for a very tired daddy to get some extra sleep.  The next day, however, he continued the trolling of his parents by doing the same things to Rob.  It seems that daddy was not safe from Lucas's pranks.

The need for a shower!

No one ever tells you that when you have an infant and your life is suddenly busy figuring out schedules and tending to the needs of a little one that simple pleasures, like showering, just fall to the wayside.  I know this sounds disgusting, and quite frankly it is disgusting.  You smell like breast milk, spit up, and poop.  This is not a flattering aroma.

The real reason you long for a shower however is because it is time alone! Getting into the shower - letting hot water run over you - for a brief moment in the day, it's just you.  There's no baby, no breast pump, no animals, no significant other; just a moment to yourself.  Sometimes you take this moment to cry curled up on the bottom of the tub.  Not for any particular reason, but that your hormones are still adjusting and you just need to cry.  The shower becomes a very important part of your life because it's where you can be you.

I'm a teenager again!

Remember when you were a teenager and you changed your outfit a few times before leaving?  I did. It's kinda like that again, except you're not changing to look good, you're changing to stop smelling like poop or spit up. You're changing as often as you change your child.  Why did no one tell me that the need to do laundry wouldn't increase because of baby clothes, but because I would run out of clothes to wear.

One day while taking care of the spit up monster, I was trying to get some laundry done as well. The pediatrician appointment was the next day and I had not a single item to wear.  You then notice that all of Lucas' "easy" zip up footie pajama's are dirty as well.  This is a big problem because when you are at the doctor's office you need to be able to easily change the baby into and out of his clothes lest you incur the wrath of screaming baby.  I was frantically changing loads of laundry in between feedings, diaper changes, floor time, and cuddling.  I almost did not notice the one red item that somehow mixed in with our whites.  Luckily we were spared gaining a new pink wardrobe.

I have become a pillow!

People sometimes wonder why parents of an infant have a hard time getting things done.  I wonder how other parents get things done.  On days or weeks like this past one, when my son decides he just wants a person to hold him all day and all night, I have found myself becoming a pillow.  He's comfortable on my chest, so that's where I put him.  I lay down with him there and watch Netflix while he sleeps away.  Sure I could put him in his napper after I know he's sufficiently asleep, but why would I do that when he's like this?

Or even when they are BOTH like this?

Cuddling the most important people in my life.  It makes smelling like baby, having spit up on my shoulder, hair a mess, and not feeling like a human being worth it.

April Fools ... The Joke's On Me Today

It's become apparent that the joke's on me this April Fools day.  Please indulge me as I recap the highlights of the day thus far.

To preface things ... I handle all of the middle of the night duties in caring for Lucas.  This is in large part due to the fact that I'm the one that wakes up with every peep he makes.  Typically it's not so bad because once I feed him in the early hours, I typically still can get a few more hours of sleep afterwards.  This unfortunately hasn't been the case today.

Don't let the cuteness fool you ... he may be lovable but
he's got his parent's sense of shenanigans!

2:30AM

Lucas isn't just fussing but screaming like he's on fire!  He's obviously missing his pacifier, but I don't think that's the entirety of it.  Earlier this week he woke up in the middle of the night screaming like this.  Not sure if it was gas or a nightmare or what but he was all kinds of upset.  I re-wrapped his blanket and decided to put him in his car seat (aka the baby bucket) with an extra blanket padding underneath him to make it extra cozy.  As hoped for he finally falls back asleep around 3AM, but now I'm wired and wide away ... and after only about 3 hours of sleep.

5AM

The mini one wakes up hungry.  This was at least expected as he's developed a pretty regular schedule.  Had a bottle ready to go.  4 ounces down ... time to burp ... only he doesn't exactly want to burp.  He finally gives me a little burp and a bit of spit-up and proceeds to fall asleep on my chest.  I've found with him in these circumstances that sometimes if you have him positioned on your chest just right he'll eventually just burp on his own.  I'm thinking let's hope this works again.

6:30AM

Still no decent burp, though I do admit that I've enjoyed the last hour with Lucas sleeping on me.  Unfortunately, this is the closest I'd come to getting more sleep today - resting on the couch with my mini man.  At this point now he starts to fuss because he'd lost his pacifier again.  With him on me though, I have absolutely NO clue where it'd fallen to.  While trying my best to find it, he wakes back up.  UGH.

Sit him back up.  Re-wrap his blankets.  Decide to try putting him back in the baby bucket.  Maybe he'll sleep there again.

6:40AM ... and every 10 minutes to follow until 8AM

Up to now things haven't been that unusual.  At this point though, almost like clockwork every 10 minutes ...  baby loses pacifier.  Baby fusses.  Daddy inserts pacifier.  Baby sleeps 10 minutes.  Lather rinse repeat.  I suspect someone is teaching him how to troll his parents.  Perhaps the cats.

8:30AM

Time for another feeding.  By this time, Crystal is awake and in the middle of the first pumping of the day.  I get a bottle ready and start feeding Lucas.  She finishes pumping and takes over in the middle of things.  Perhaps a chance now for me to get some extra sleep?

9AM

Crawled back into bed hoping for an hour or so of sleep.  Dog decides he wants in on this too ... who am I to argue?  Baby is in the living room with Crystal.  He decides he's not wanting to sleep or cooperate at all.  Crystal's trying anything she can think of.  I'm lying in bed thinking about how to solve this problem and maybe get mister "I don't want to sleep again today" to sleep.  We've had luck when working in the office in the basement the last few days with him sleeping in the baby bucket.  Is there something different down there why it works there better than upstairs?

THE SPACE HEATER!  It's a source of white noise!  I yell out to Crystal about my idea.  She grabs her phone, hops on YouTube and finds a 14 hour space heater white noise video.  In minutes he's asleep.  Will it last?

10AM

No.  I've not yet got any extra sleep, but I've at least rested a bit.  Get up, put on pants, make breakfast.

11AM

After various attempts to get Lucas to sleep ... all of which failed ... I was left with only one option.  The tried and true guaranteed to work but also guaranteed to mean I won't be accomplishing anything for a while ...

Lucas wants a people.

Pick him up and cuddle him in my arms.  Two minutes later ... ZZZZZZZZ ...

11:45AM

Baby still sleeping in my arms.  WOOT!  Or should I say TOOT!  Lucas lets rip something that would embarrass most adults.  Yay for less gas in the baby, but that sounded like it could be something more.  He's due to eat anyway so I decide let's wake the sleeping baby to check his butt and feed him.

ANOTHER FIRST

We've achieved another milestone this morning.  Lucas' first explosive poop!  This didn't come up and out the back though.  Nope!  This traveled up the front and out!  I announce the joyous occasion to Crystal and ask her to get a bath running.  I stripped him down at the tub and washed him off.  Little man loves the water so thankfully no complaints from him.  New diaper, clothes, blanket.  We're good to go.

12 Noon

Another feeding & burping.  Put him down in the napper.  Maybe he'll stay calm for a bit?  Maybe even sleep?  Crystal and I find some lunch for ourselves.  Managed to swallow a sandwich in time for the fussing to start back up.  Time to pick him up again.  Will I ever get to work on anything today?

1:30PM

He's finally calmed down somewhat for now.  We've ventured into the basement office to attempt doing something productive.  As I write this though, whatever gremlin that has crawled inside my son today has returned.

2:30PM

We decide to advance the next feeding.  He's been eating around 3 to 3.5 hours.  We're thinking maybe he's hungry.  Fingers crossed.  They don't give you a manual when they're born.  It's a lot of trial and error while you figure each other out.  I keep in mind often that the rules change too.  Just as you think you've got them figured out, they'll throw you a curve ball.

Here's to hoping things calm down the rest of today.  I'd really love it if my infant would decide to sleep today.  Maybe I might be able to sneak in a nap too.

Push!

February 21st, 2015 - 2:00 pm

The contractions had started again.  After two weeks of on again off again contractions I was getting pretty tired of them.  I was already suffering from constant back and pelvis pain - as well as feet and ankle swelling when on my feet for extended periods of time.  Daily life had become extremely uncomfortable and it wasn't any better at night - waking up every one to three hours (if I was lucky) to answer the call of nature just to struggle to find a comfortable position after while trying to fall back asleep.

My mood wasn't great.  Each time someone asked me how I was feeling I was ready to snap.  It was nice to have so many people care about my well being, but to have to answer that question a minimum of 10 times a day became simply annoying.  I was pregnant - very pregnant.  Any woman who has ever had a baby knows what it feels like to be a "house".  Was asking me "How are you feeling?" some way for other women to get confirmation that they were not the only ones that felt horrible during their last weeks of pregnancy?

To try to keep me busy - and possibly ease some of my pain - Rob suggested walking would be a good idea.  (Rob's Note: Suggestion was mostly to try to hasten the onset of labor.)  Of course it was snowing.  The roads were covered and the parking lots weren't even plowed. What the hell Ohio?! Get it together!  Four inches of snow and you can't keep up on it?!  No wonder everyone runs to the store the day before a storm.  Somehow we made it to our destination - the horrible and dreaded mall.

We walked.  Well Rob walked.  I waddled.  We browsed stores and stopped every 30 minutes so I could breathe through a contraction.  We said goodbye to Radio Shack.  We browsed Spencer's.  I looked at dresses and shoes that I longed to wear - if only the alien xenomorph I was carrying would exit my body.

8:00 pm

Disappointed again as my contractions had stopped.  I knew today would not be the day that I would get to hold my baby boy in my arms. It also meant another night of uncomfortable sleep and more back pain.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" I told the alien in my belly. "Momma wants her body back."

I slipped into bed to watch a movie and cuddle Chance, our lovable mutt.  Browsing through Netflix, I found a movie starring Anne Hathaway called "One Day".  Figuring it would be a romantic comedy, I clicked play.

10:00 pm

"Curse that wretched movie! It was horrible!" I told Rob as I wiped away tears and blew my nose.  He had been working in the living room - unaware of the torture I had just endured.

What I thought was a romantic comedy turned out to be a romantic drama that tore out your heart and stomped on it.  I poured myself some water, took my prenatal vitamin, and kissed Rob goodnight.  I slipped into bed and turned on "Doctor Who" in an effort to clear my mind of the feels the movie caused.  I drifted off to sleep.

February 22nd. 2015 - 1:00 am

A pain in my pelvis jolts me awake.  Half sleep, I figured it was a need to relieve pressure on my bladder.  I stumbled towards the bathroom.  Upon finishing my business, I noticed a thin mucus and a tiny speck of blood.

"That's odd, it must be more of my mucus plug." I thought as I stumbled back into the bedroom.  Just as I got comfortable and started to drift off to sleep there was another pain radiating in my lower back and pelvis. I sat up and breathed through it.

"Contractions?  Really?  This late?"  I started timing them.  "Three consistent ones and I'll wake up Rob to go to the hospital."  Five minutes apart and lasting for 30-40 seconds.  It was time to go.

"Sweetie," I say as I rub Rob's arm.

"Mmmmm," Rob moans in response.

"Sweetie, it's time."

"It's time.  Okay." Rob says awakening from his slumber and pushing the blankets from him.  "How do you know?"

"The contractions are five minutes apart and at least 30 seconds long."

"Okay, it's time."

Rob is packing the laptop into a backpack and puts all of our bags into the car while I'm putting on sweaters.

2:00 am

We pull up to the emergency room entrance - woohoo for free valet parking!  Rob grabs the bags while I waddle in.  I inform the nurse that we are in labor.  They wheel me off to the Labor and Delivery department.  After checking in, we are taken to a triage room.

Changing from my clothes into the uncomfortable, scratchy, and revealing hospital gown was no easy task as the contractions were no longer causing pain in my pelvis and were instead focusing all of their wrath onto my lower back.  It was as if someone was punching me and then squeezing my spine.  I had to wait to finish putting on the gown while Rob massaged my lower back - helping ease the pain until the contraction had passed.

The doctor and nurses hook me up to machines and start monitoring the baby's heart rate and my contractions.  Shortly after, a nurse came in and told me to roll to my side.  Of course, I'm in the middle of a contraction and rolling proved to be difficult with the pain.

"The baby's heart rate dropped significantly and we want to get it back up." She explained as I rolled with Rob's help.

She proceeded to move the heartbeat sensor till she found his heartbeat again.  Strong and back where it should be, she left the room.

The nurse returned 10 minutes later during another contraction.  "It's time to check your cervix.  Roll to your back.  Put your feet up by your butt and knees spread wide."  "You'll feel some pressure," she explained as she checked my cervix.  "Only 1 cm so far."

I moaned.  I was hoping with contractions being so close that I had at least dilated to 2 or 3 cm.  I'd been at 1 cm since my last doctors appointment almost a week prior.  I knew I was in for a long night.

The doctor came in with the portable ultrasound machine and started viewing my insides and the baby.

"When did your water break?" the doctor asked.

"My water broke? It must have been right before we left home.  I went to the bathroom and noticed a very thin mucus when I wiped." I replied.

"Yes your water broke, it does look like you have a secondary membrane.  We may have to break that later if it doesn't break on it's own.  We are keeping you and will be moving you into a delivery room soon."

"Okay," Turning to Rob, "Go ahead and call my parents, we will let everyone else know at a decent hour."

"Do I have time to make a quick phone call before you move her?" Rob asked.

"Yes, it'll take a few minutes to get her ready to move into the delivery room." the doctor replied.

Rob kissed me, took my phone and went to the hall to inform my parents that the time had arrived.  Shortly after Rob arrived back into the room the nurse came in with a wheel chair to take me to a delivery room.

Within the first hour, three different nurses arrived in my room.  We discussed our wishes, signed paperwork, filled out information regarding the birth certificate, and talked about pain management.

3:00 am

"We can do an epidural now if you'd like, however the longer the epidural is in the less effective it is," the nurse explained, "If you'd like we can give you some morphine now to take the edge off."

"Morphine is fine for now," I said.

4:00 am

The morphine didn't take the edge off of any pain, but it did make me not care about the pain.

"Momma likes the morphine," I said to Rob as the room was finally empty.  He laughed and started sending messages to friends who wanted to be kept informed of things.

"You should get some sleep while I'm not so worried about the pain," I told Rob.

"I don't need to sleep," he replied.  I gave him a look, "If you are sure. If you need me to rub your back more or anything just wake me."

"Oh I will.  Get as much sleep as you can."

7:00 am

We both drifted in and out of sleep for the next few hours until the contractions were getting to the point where I was unable to deal with the pain again.  The nurse tried moving the bed - having me sit in different positions to help with pain management.  It felt like a Yoga class for a while.  Lotus pose, cat pose, downward dog, crane pose - so the last two didn't happen but I was prepared for the nurse to put me in those poses as well.

I breathed through contractions while Rob rubbed my back - keeping me from smacking someone, anyone.  If I was in pain it would help for me to put someone else in pain too, right?  Not a judge in the world would convict me.

8:00 am

The nurses came in for a shift change / introductions and then checked my cervix for any additional dilation.

"Looks like you are up to 3 cm. We can do the epidural at this point if you'd like?" the nurse said.

"Yes, please!" I said, while breathing through another contraction.

Turning to Rob the nurse explained, "I can have the anesthesiologist in here in a few minutes, it'll take about 20 minutes to give her the epidural.  You will need to be out of the room, the cafe is open and you should get something to eat while you can."

"Okay, I'll call my mom and check on your parents." Rob said before kissing me and leaving the room.

The anesthesiologist, or as I prefer to call him - The Magical Epidural Guy, arrived.  While setting up his equipment he explained what happens with the epidural.  I had a contraction and I immediately hunched.  He started the epidural and I stayed extremely still while he made comments about my tattoos.  I felt a prick between vertebra.

"Does it feel like it's centered or more to the right or left?" Magical Epidural Guy asked.

"It's more to the right," I said.

"Good, okay." He moved the piece and it was more centered.  "You're going to feel a coldness in a moment."  Suddenly there was a flash of cold and what felt like a small shock of electricity flow down my legs to my toes.

"Oooh, that's interesting." As I explained the feeling, and soon the magic of modern medicine brought a much needed relief to the back labor I was feeling.

9:00 am

Within minutes, I was no longer feeling pain from the contractions.  With the exception of my legs feeling extremely heavy, I was finally feeling better.  Compared to back labor, I was just fine.  Rob returned to a smiling and happy Crystal.

"You know what's awesome about the epidural?" I said to Rob when we were finally alone again.

"No more pain?" Rob asked.

"That too, but the epidural makes you feel like your wearing pants even though you're not."

Rob laughed loudly at that, I guess the morphine hadn't completely wore off.

10:00 am

"Hi honey, I stopped and had to buy our little peanut his first stuffed animal." I hear as Rob's mom came into the room, carrying a small blue stuffed dog.  She gave me a hug and sat down. "I'm sorry but I got Rob and I some food as well."

"Oh I see, eat in front of the woman who can't eat right now." I said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry," Debbie said.

"Ma, it's fine, really. We have a long day ahead of us, Rob needs to eat," I said.  While Rob and his mother talked I laid there drifting off to sleep.

10:30 am

I slept. The nurse flipped me to lay on my left side. I fell back asleep.

11:00 am

More sleep. The nurse flipped me to lay on my right side.  I fell back asleep.

12:20 pm

I awoke to pressure.

"The epidural can't be wearing off already, can it?" I asked Rob.

"I don't think so," he said.

"Are you feeling contractions?" Debbie asked.

"No, just pressure.  I'll wait a bit before calling the nurse."

"Do you feel like you have to push?" Debbie asked.

"No, I'm sure I just need to roll and I'll be okay." I said as Rob helped me roll to my back.

12:25 pm

I buzzed the nurse as the pressure wasn't getting better with the position change.

"What's going on hun?" She asked as she walked in.

"I'm feeling a lot of pressure," I said.

"Let's take a look shall we." She lifted up the sheet looked and said, "Okay it's time to start pushing."

She went to the wall to press a red button and started setting up the room.  Debbie grabbed her purse and kissed my cheek wishing me good luck before leaving the room.

12:30 pm

As nurses and doctors came in and out of the room, the main nurse explained to Rob what his role would be during delivery.

Contraction came.  I pushed - flexing and pushing with all of my abdominal muscles while relaxing my vaginal muscles.  The hardest part of pushing was not the head or shoulders but holding my breath while pushing.  It quickly made me nauseous.

12:50 pm

With every push the nurses and doctors acted like a damn cheerleading squad.  I specifically told Rob early in the pregnancy that when it was time to push during labor I didn't want a cheerleader.  All I needed was someone to tell me I could do it when I felt like I couldn't.  Rob was that person.  I looked at him in between pushes and found exactly the support I needed.

"I can't do it," I said to Rob.

"Yes you can," he replied.

1:00 pm.

Lucas James came out of my body and was placed on my chest.  As the nurses started cleaning him, tears filled my eyes. A 7 lbs 4 oz baby with very pale skin and gross stuff all over him.  He was beautiful. He was also not crying.

"Come on baby, cry." I said.  It's the only time in your child's life that you want them to cry.  You wait and every noise around you suddenly disappears as you wait breathlessly for that first noise your child makes.  He let out a grunt and then started crying and I immediately breathed a sigh of relief.  I had a wave of emotion roll over me, and as I heard his cry for the first time, tears rolled down my face.

"You did it sweetie, it's your baby." Rob said, tears in his eyes and he kissed me.

"Are you cutting the cord, dad?" the doctor asked Rob.

"Hell yes I am." he said.  Rob held the scissors and cut the cord separating me and Lucas for the first time in 38 weeks.

"We are gonna take him just over here to clean him up a bit.  The doctors are going to get the placenta out of you and get you all cleaned up, then we will start breastfeeding." The nurse explained.

"Okay," I said.  "Go with him," I told Rob.

While Rob gushed over Lucas and how perfect he was, I suddenly realized I was freezing and shaking.  I couldn't stop shaking.  I couldn't control it.  My hands balled into fists as the shaking continued.

"Why am I shaking?" I asked.

"It's the hormones and adrenaline from the birth." the doctor explained.

The doctors worked quickly to get the placenta out and start the process of kneading my belly to get my uterus to start contracting.  All the while, I watched the nurse clean, weigh, and measure Lucas.  I watched as his skin turned pink.  I watched him get swaddled and then handed to Rob to hold.  Rob swayed instinctively while holding his son - gushing over him.  The best moment in my life so far was seeing the man I love hold the child we made with such love and adoration in his eyes.

The Great Move

This blog post was created months ago but not posted at the time.  It's been shared here in retrospect.

I haven't written in months, to be completely honest I have not felt like it.  The words escaped me on every level.  For the past eight torturous months Rob and I were living in the ghetto.  This isn't south side of Chicago ghetto but not the place I imagined bringing our child home to either.  We struggled and tried everything under the sun to support ourselves as well as had some much needed support from family and friends.  We tried every trick we could to keep our spirits up, we pushed each other and pushed ourselves to keep trying, we failed more times than we succeeded but we kept trying. Still the building and area we were living in caused both Rob and I to sink into depression as it sucked every ounce of motivation from us due to lack of sleep and the general environment to which we had to deal with.

At night during the summer we heard countless arguments and saw fist fights of women who were fighting over some man who was cheating on them.  During the day the police and ambulance sirens would drown out any conversation Rob and I would try to have.  On Saturday's from 11 am till 6 pm we heard the church across the street scream "Fish Fry" and "Save Our Church" repeatedly while blaring everything from Christian rap to gospel at levels that prevented us from hearing our own TV, music, or even each other.  This church, that was begging for donations, didn't even hold a service at that location. After several attempts to ask them to turn down the music, and eventually asking to see the permit they were required to have for those types of events, we were instead told to "mind our own business or else." 

At one point or another due to lack of sleep Rob and/or I snapped and would scream at people sitting outside telling them to quiet down.  This stopped out of concern for safety when one night we heard our first gun shot.  Still throughout the summer and on any decent night the neighbors would deal drugs or prostitute themselves off the stoop located directly under our windows.  We adopted a see nothing, say nothing mentality after this.

As the weather cooled down the neighbors started bringing their antics into our hallways. What appeared as drunks and drug induced highs would often be found sleeping in our stairwells, laundry rooms, and even in our parking lot.  One day I sat in the apartment alone and a lady screamed running through the halls, while knocking on doors asking for help.  I've always been someone who would help anyone needing it, yet in this case I instead stayed in the locked apartment quiet with phone in hand.  I feared that it was a scam and that I might be hurt if I tried to help.  It happened again later that night while Rob was home and I immediately called the police.  When they arrived they knew who we had described and explained that she can't afford her bi-polar medication and when she runs out this behavior is the result.  I have never dealt with bi-polar so if this is a side effect I really wouldn't know.

Neighbors can be a problem no matter where you go, however there is one thing that solidified our need to escape the hell we had come into.  The building was infested with three different species of roaches.  It did not matter how much we cleaned, sprayed, set out traps, or kept our food in closed containers, the roaches were so bad and they kept coming back.  While the landlord sprayed if you asked him to, the roaches would just move to another apartment for a day or two and be right back. At one point after spotting dead baby roaches in the freezer, all eating in the apartment stopped.  We kept few items in the house and we ate a lot of $5 pizza's from Little Ceasars, in the car so we could throw out the box. When we did eat in the apartment it was off paper plates with plastic utensils so we could remove any food from the apartment quickly to help minimize the roach infestation.

For both Rob and I we found that there was no light at the end of the tunnel so we had to make our own light.  We tried to make the best of our situation around Christmas by setting up a tree and decorations.  We celebrated with family and friends.  Our friends from Google+ made the holiday more enjoyable with Secret Santa gifts.  We both pushed ourselves a lot to enjoy the holiday as much as we could.  We talked a lot about the baby.  We set the plans for how we were going to better save and plan for the future.  How we wanted to set ourselves up for success so that the low point never happened again.  We found ourselves in a better place mentally as we pushed to turn our hell into a life lesson for us to pass down, so our children never make the same mistakes we made financially putting us in the position we were in. 

After the new year; life took a turn for the better.  We started looking for a new place to live. Finally, as of last week; with the help of Rob's mom we moved into a house.  It's a three bedroom rental in a quiet neighborhood.  We have a fenced in backyard and a basement.  After a hellish week fogging the apartment, cleaning, and fogging the apartment again, we are finally roach free and living in a nice community. 

The first thing I started doing after the move was laundry, washing every blanket, pillow, and item of clothing we own.  The next thing I did was start cooking again.  I've realized how much I missed cooking, more than that I missed sitting at a table to eat off real plates using real utensils.  Rob is setting up his own man cave in the basement.  He insists I'm allowed down there, but I think for the most part I will leave it to be his area.  I have started crocheting again, finished one shawl, started on another and a baby blanket.  This morning I sit at my dining room table and type this out for you all while I sip on fresh coffee from one of my favorite mugs.  

Being away from the hell has brought about a renewed motivation for both Rob and I.  Our depression is lifting quickly as we catch up on sleep and set up our new home.  I can cook healthier meals with fresh vegetables again, and if I want pizza I make it homemade now.  In fact the massive weight gain has stopped due to my ability to eat properly.  At my last doctors appointment the doctor said I am doing wonderfully on my diet as I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  He's proud of the control I've had over my blood sugars and the baby is very healthy.  This of course will become another post that I'm sure you all will love reading.

You would think that I would be grateful that the hell is over, and I am.  I am however; more grateful for going through it.  The greatest lesson I took from all of this was to be grateful of all the little things.  Being able to take a long bath again without the worry of a roach climbing down the wall. Being able to enjoy fresh healthy foods like salads and grilled chicken.  Being able to bake goodies. Not having to check the dog food and cat food for roaches.  Not having 80 year old drafty windows on the coldest nights of the season.  Being awakened in the middle of the night due to bladder instead of loud neighbors.  I'm most grateful for mornings like this one, with a hot cup of coffee and a silent house to work in.  

The dark time has passed and while the silence and calm may disappear with the addition of our baby boy in a short 6 weeks or less, I am peaceful knowing that when I bring him home he will be in a safe and clean environment.  Tough times happen, it's important to learn what you can from them.  When you survive you come out of it stronger and hopefully with a better perspective.  I can now breathe a huge sigh of relief, and it sure does feel good.  

The Diabetes Test

This blog post was created months ago but not posted at the time.  It's been shared here in retrospect.

I didn't want to do it.

I knew it would be horrible.

The doctor made me do it...

(Picture from: http://www.reactivehypoglycemia.info/2009/09/5-hour-glucose-tolerance-test/)

I quickly chugged the entire contents of this horrible little bottle.  Immediately afterwards I felt horrible, at one point nauseous even.  Just one more hour and the blood would be drawn and this would be over.  

It wasn't though; the next day I get a phone call from my doctors office.

"Hi Crystal, your test results came back and your glucose level was elevated.  We will need to do the three hour glucose test.  You cannot eat or drink anything but water for at least 10 hours before the test.  We will take a fasting blood sample and then three more blood samples throughout the remainder of the test." 

I winced, first they want all my urine, then they want all my blood.  They would not stop until all bodily fluids had been drained from me completely.  I scheduled the three hour for after the 1st of the year and did as I was told.  They took my blood, I chugged the bottle of icky orange stuff again, and I waited.  I scheduled my doctors appointment in the middle of all of this to keep myself busy and make time go faster.  Finally they drew all the blood they needed and I was finally able to go home.

The next day I got the phone call from my doctors office.  They were classifying me as a high risk pregnancy and I needed to come in the following Tuesday for an appointment.  My levels were elevated too high and I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes.

My fasting was normal at a wonderful 77, the one hour was 173 the two hour was 182 and the final blood draw was at 162.  I've seen outrageous numbers before so these numbers didn't bother me too much.  However with a blood glucose level that kept rising after two hours that meant the hormones in my body were blocking the insulin my pancreas was producing from doing it's job and my pancreas wasn't producing any more insulin to regulate those glucose levels.

My doctor prescribed a glucose monitor and the nutritionist called me to schedule an appointment to come in.  I called my mother, who has juvenile diabetes and told her.  She pulled the mom move and said, "I don't care that you grew up with a diabetic mother, you listen and do as your nutritionist tells you." I couldn't help but giggle.  

A few days later the nutritionist went over the diet plan. I had spent a few days mentally preparing myself for the "no more pizza, ice cream, junk food" talk for days. After talking to the nutritionist though I found out that I can still enjoy some of my favorite foods so long as I stick to serving sizes and keep active.  I had to watch not just the carbohydrates on the labels but the fats and proteins as well.  High fiber carbohydrates, like whole wheat bread or pasta would be better choices without giving up bread and pasta all together.

I immediately started taking control over my diet and started becoming more active to help regulate my sugar levels.  I was not going to be put on insulin and I am positive I can control this with diet and mild exercise.  I started watching labels for carbohydrates, fats and proteins.  I started eating small meals throughout the day and testing a minimum of 4 times a day like the doctor wanted me too.

Three weeks later and recording my blood sugars religiously; the doctor is very proud of me and where my sugars are at.  He actually thanked me for watching them so closely.  According to my monitor my 15 day average is at 88.  When I do give in to the craving for the high carbohydrate meal my blood sugar does jump up, but for the most part I have been doing extremely well.

According to babycenter.com and my doctor women who have gestational diabetes are more likely to develop type 2 diabetes later in life.  So as a precautionary I have decided that after the baby is born I will have to make a few lifestyle changes to keep my weight under control to reduce that risk.  I'm positive I can do what is necessary to make those changes and stick to them.

It's not hard to keep your blood sugars under control.  I still have the occasional donut for breakfast, pretzels as a snack or ice cream before bed, I do not gorge myself and have only the serving size.  If I find myself at Olive Garden chowing down on Fettuccine Alfredo, I make sure to get in some physical activity afterwards to help my body burn off the extra carbohydrates I consume.

I'm a relatively lazy person when it comes to watching what I eat, but if I can do it anyone can.  If you find yourself diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes listen to your doctor and nutritionist.  Do what they tell you to do and follow the diet.  It's worth it to have a normal sized baby with no additional complications.  

Is Pregnancy Brain Real?

This blog post was created months ago but not posted at the time.  It's been shared here in retrospect.

Starting in second trimester, I found myself being a little more absent minded than usual.  Of course I immediately chalked this up to being "Pregnancy Brain."  Though; to be honest, I think I've been so focused on other things that my absent mindedness was a result of stress.  I didn't think much of it until the day I couldn't find my cat.

Sugs is a people cat.  He's affectionate and for the most part stays wherever people are.  If he sees an available hand or lap he is on it within seconds.  This excludes my lap however, he hasn't sat or shown any interest in sitting on my lap since I became pregnant.  During our move we brought the two cats over to explore the new house before all of our stuff arrived.  Sugs was the first cat to figure out the little holes in our kitchen that are perfect cat holes.  The vent is below the cat hole so the area stays nice and warm.

So one evening I had begged and pleaded with Rob to make his famous amazing cookie bars, which he won't share the recipe for.  He reluctantly agreed and started working away at them while I sat in the makeshift dining room we had put together for the night.  

As I sat in the lawn chair I realize that I haven't seen Sugs in a while.  So I call out to him, "Sugs! Meow!" I hear nothing, but of course it's a bigger place than we've had before and I'm sure he's exploring.  "Have you seen Sugs?" I ask Rob.

Rob being the more logical one steps back from the counter and looks in the cat hole. "He's in his spot."

"Ok, good." I was relieved because he seemed to like his little cat hole.

"We should make a sign that says, 'Sugs' Spot' and hang it above the cat hole," Rob suggests.  I laugh as it's a reference to Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory.

Five minutes later, completely forgetting the conversation we just had. I suddenly look around and say, "Sugs?" 

Rob stops what he's doing in the mixing bowl, looks over at me with a confused look and says, "He's in the cat hole."

"Oh, Ok..." It then dawns on me that we had this exact conversation five minutes earlier.  "I'm sorry, we already did this."

"It's ok dear." Rob says laughing.

While Rob puts the cookies in the oven we start talking about a different subject.  While in the middle of that conversation I start looking around the main level. Concern and confusion both sweeping over me.

"What are you doing?" Rob asks.

"Where is Sugs? Have you seen him?" I ask, and just as I finish saying it I gasp and cover my face with my hands while exclaiming, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Sweetie, it's ok. You have pregnancy brain.  Blame the baby," Rob says as he wraps his arms around me.

"I don't like it!" I complain then look to my stomach, "Baby you are grounded!"

The sudden confusion and concern that sweeps over me.  The constant concern that I am forgetting something important.  Feeling scatterbrained often, like I've suddenly come down with ADD and the worst case known.  The not remembering why I walked into the kitchen, or seeing something that needs to be accomplished and forgetting about it until later when I see it again.  Cursing myself for forgetting to switch loads of laundry when it was on my brain the first time.  These are all the signs of pregnancy brain and it sucks!

I found an article about the reality of pregnancy brain on WebMD.  Pregnancy brain can be caused by several factors including; lack of sleep, priority changes, stress, and even the rise in progesterone and estrogen.  To read more you can visit the article here.

In order to combat this awful side effect of pregnancy I started making a stronger effort to not forget things, of course little post-its or writing notes on scrap pieces of paper were not working.  I decided to use my phone, I always know where it is, I can utilize many features to keep track of things easier, and I can share things easily with Rob so he's always in the loop in case my mind forgets. 

First, I keep a calender. I have found that Google Calender works well because not only can I keep my activities straight but I can share the Calender with Rob so that he knows what is coming up as well.  Anything that I cannot forget immediately goes into the phone while I am thinking about it.  I don't take an appointment card, I enter the next appointment in my phone as I'm scheduling it.  If there is something I need to do on a certain day, it goes in the phone with a reminder so I know to do it.

Second, I keep lists.  Another app I have found useful is the ColorNote app.   I use it to put questions for the doctor in. I track my glucose levels and what I'm eating so the doctor can see them. I use it for grocery lists. If I find myself needing to accomplish a task, like getting the flu shot I make a note.

Third, I check my calender and my lists daily and sometimes multiple times throughout the day.  By keeping lists I can forget about certain things, like what I need at the store, until I am actually in the store.  I can forget questions for the doctor until I am at the doctor.  

These three steps are the easiest way for me to track the little things that I cannot forget.  I don't overdo it by downloading app after countless app.  By only using two apps, I make it easy on myself to check only those two things.  Only needing to remember two things is pretty great. It leaves my mind available for anything else that comes up.  Like address change forms, pre-registering at the hospital, finding a pediatrician, researching for my blogs, and sleeping.

I don't know what other pregnant women will tell you, or what their significant others will say for that matter, I can tell you pregnancy brain is real.  It's frustrating to constantly feel like you are forgetting something.  Add extra hormones and mood swings to the mix and all hell starts to break loose. The only advice I can give is this, if you are suffering from pregnancy brain know you are not alone. Partners, please be patient, one of you has to be.  Friends and family, after a little bit of time and once hormone levels return to normal your loved one will also return to normal, at least I hope so.

On the matter of the bed...

This blog post was created months ago but not posted at the time.  It's been shared here in retrospect.

The bed and the bedroom become a big topic of conversation when you are expecting a baby.  First of course you and your companion will most likely talk about if the baby will sleep in the bedroom with you.  We quickly decided this was not something that would be happening in our bedroom, nor would the baby be sleeping in bed with us.  Of course we did agree that as the child got older early Saturday morning family time watching cartoons would be acceptable.  To be honest, I'm totally looking forward to doing sandwiches with Rob.  As an FYI it's where you and your significant other hug with the child or pet in between you.

In short order I realized the pregnancy side effect of needing to pee urgently.  After a brief discussion with Rob about the way our tiny bedroom was set up, he offered up his side of the bed so that I would have a straight shot to the bathroom in those urgent, still sleeping, bathroom calls.  Of course no one and no article prepared me for the dreams.  That's right, dreaming away and suddenly I am dreaming of peeing, I awake suddenly every time and have to rush to the bathroom.  While I am grateful for the warning dreams, I am terrified that there'll be one instance that I won't make it on time.  This is causing me to sleep lighter than normal. 

When Rob and I first decided to move in with each other I had forewarned him about my nasty little habit of being a bed and blanket hog.  I also warned him about my grumpiness upon waking or being woken up.  My own father has described my waking as that of a scene from the exorcist where my head spins, pea soup shoots from my mouth, and I scream curses and obscenities towards the offender who hath woken me from my slumber.  My mother would often threaten to come armed with a long broom to wake me as I would sleep through three alarms.

While over the years I had managed to get better at sharing the covers or the bed, pregnancy has made it worse than ever before.  Part of this is due to being uncomfortable and turning every which way I possibly can to try to ease the back pain I have been experiencing lately.  However, during all my tossing and turning I end up wrapping myself into a cocoon before Rob even has a chance to get into bed.  So of course he battles a half sleeping Crystal trying to regain some of the covers back, if I awaken he is met with spinning head and growling.  It is a terrible battle that this brave soul must endure in order to survive the long chilly night. 

Finally it happened, Rob had predicted it.  I have confiscated pretty much every pillow on the bed.  I have surrounded myself with every possible pillow I can and every night I manage to find a just comfortable enough sleeping position that I am able to drift happily into sleep.  This of course has left Rob with the two flattest pillows on the bed, feel sorry for him.

One night however as Rob looked into our tiny bedroom, he saw no hope.  I had sprawled out over the entire bed while wrapping myself in blankets.  The only available spots had been taken over by the animals.  He sighed and I had evidently growled though he fails to provide proof of this. He grabbed an extra blanket went to his chair and slept there for the night.  When I awoke in the morning, I was confused and slightly upset until I saw that I had confiscated all pillows, all blankets, and the entirety of the bed.  I'm hopeful that this won't happen often though we have started discussions on getting a more comfortable recliner.

PIVOT!

It was May 2014. Rob and I were moving into a cheap little one bedroom apartment in order to save up some money. Between the two of us, we have moved ourselves at least 40 times over the span of our lives - we are seasoned professionals when it comes to moving.

I learned at a young age that a lot of times, while moving, couples will have at least one massive argument. This is only normal, seeing as moving is an extremely stressful ordeal. It's worse when you don't hire movers and you have to do all of the packing and hauling on your own. We entered this move knowing full and well that we would be stressed and likely in pain by the time it's done. Did I mention that it was 27 stairs up to our floor and the elevator in the building was out of order?

To help us have some fun during the move, I showed Rob a clip from "Friends" when Rachel and Chandler tried to help Ross move a sofa up a flight of stairs. Clip provided here for your reference / entertainment.

Because of this, during the move we would look at each other from time to time - especially when carrying a heavy piece of furniture up the tight staircases and say "Pivot!" - typically followed by laughter on both our parts. When the move was over we looked at each other and commented about how much fun we actually had moving with each other because we laughed our way through it.

We've just recently moved again - this time into a house that makes a lot more sense for our current situation. We decided that with the pregnancy that we would hire movers this time around. At one point, Rob suddenly got a nostalgic look on his face and turned to me ...

"I'm going to miss the pivot joke." He said in a pitifully sad voice.
"You'll still make the pivot joke sweetie," I reply.
"Like when you are in labor and I'm pushing you through the hospital in a wheelchair?" Rob said.

A word of advice to any man who's significant other is pregnant, do NOT say or do what Rob just suggested.

The Feels!!!!

Hormones are a bitch, let me tell you! For the most part, I'm pretty good about being able to recognize when I'm having a mood swing, though Rob may have something more to say about that. I'm a fairly easy person to read, you can tell when I am happy, angry, or sad. However, lately I have not even been able to properly decode my own moods. The slightest thing will send me into fits of laughter or waterfalls of tears.

I was browsing YouTube and a video of a cat protecting a kid sent me into tears. What the hell? I am not an emotional person, I normally can tighten that up real quick, not this time. This wasn't just a couple of tears leaking from my eyes like my allergies were acting up. I was full on snot and sobbing.

As I blew the snot from my nose and wiped the final tears from my eyes, I decided I didn't need another surprise like that. I started browsing other portions of the internet. I come across a gif image of two dogs eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with human hands. I was immediately hysterical with laughter! I couldn't breathe or speak! Shaking ... rocking back and forth ... clapping my hands.

At this point Rob is sitting at his desk and looking at me extremely confused. One minute I'm sobbing crying the next I am laughing hilariously. He knew about the mood swings but to have such extremes in a short period of time ... I can imagine would be a bit confusing.

While laughter and tears are easy to deal with, they don't compare my sudden moments of anger. I didn't notice it till I got aggravated about something there was no reason ever on this Earth to get aggravated about it. There was a moment where technology failed me and I completely flipped out. The extreme anger I felt in this moment sent me into such a flying rage that I stormed out of the apartment down the stairs to the front stoop where I sat for a few moments.

Within a few minutes I realized that I had a few other major worries at that moment in my life which were the real cause of my anger. Flipping out over a website not giving me an address I searched for was no way to handle the situation. I immediately burst into tears and as neighbors drove or walked past they all got a half concerned / half "look at this crazy bitch" look on their faces.

Rob has been amazing when dealing with my rapid mood swings. The shock and surprise of going from normal to extremely weepy or angry can put quite a toll on anyone within shouting distance. I am grateful to have Rob, because when I am finally feeling like I might have a little bit of understanding about my moods I can sit down and talk to him about them.

So ... while I continue to try to keep my feelings under better control, I find that I have to take extra time in everything I do to keep them that way. Until I have these stupid hormonal mood swings under control, I just stop and look at whoever is giving me a weird look and say "hormones."